I Like My Barbershops Toxic

There's been an article making it's way around from The Black Youth Project. I typically enjoy their work but every bone in my body told me not to read this one. Eventually I did, and I had to call paramedics to help me recover. You see, I gave an article the most intense side eye I've ever given anything in my life. My eyes, got stuck, it was ridiculous. The piece in questions is titled "The Black Barbershop is Both Toxic and Intimate for Cishet Black Men." Well, I'm a cishet black man most of the time, so I thought I'd go over the problems with this. Instead of just throwing a fit, I'd like to take time to discuss the problematic parts of it.

The barbershop has historically been a place of refuge, a sacred space, for (mostly) cisgender, heterosexual Black men. Like many other institutions, it has been home to deep-rooted heterosexism and misogynoir. However, it has also served as a sanctuary for Black male intimacy, healing, and love. In this space, they arrive at intimacy and attraction in a toxic way, but they do arrive there

Though many cishet Black men would not use these words to describe their experience, I argue that the relationship between Black men and their barbers is a homoerotic one. Furthermore, their refusal to acknowledge it as intimate not only reinforces hegemonic masculinity, but it also aids in the demonization of queer Black men.

Those two paragraphs sum up the entire premise of the piece. I mean, that certainly sounds like a great discussion. We're certainly off to a great start. I won't lie, I hear more about "bitches and hoes," at the barbershop than anywhere else in my life. More than music, more than television or a Corey Holcomb comedy set. Yet, the author acknowledges that the barbershop is almost sacred. A place of healing, learning and love. The problem comes when he takes the idea of straight black men showing any kind of intimacy or openness to other straight black men as homoerotic and a demonization of queer black men and then jumps over hurdles to get there.

The idea of cheating on your barber is just that, a joke. It's not a joke sometimes, but all the time. You might have a preferred barber, but nobody is skipping their haircut because he's on vacation. In fact I advocate for keeping the phone numbers of multiple barbers because you never know what could happen. If I run with a different squad in Overwatch then I'm cheating. If you hang out with a different friend than your best friend, you're cheating.

Then there's the whole, homoerotic issue at hand. You're just describing a normal friendship. I've talked about how men don't really have friendships before. The author is clearly no different than most men. The actions he describes as homoerotic are just basic friendships. With friends you open up and tell them things you would not usually tell other people. With friends you are vulnerable. These aren't anymore homoerotic than going to brunch, because that was a thing too. When women hang out all night laughing and telling stories about their lives it's just a friendship, but when men do it, it's homoerotic. That's not just something gay men say either, hoteps do that too. They're both wrong despite hating each other.

The author states he's not attempting to discourage these relationships but that's exactly what he's doing. If you know me, you know I personally don't give a fuck and hold the idea that you can't let anyone else define your manhood no matter who they are. But, everyone can't be me. That means a lot of men don't like having their manhood called into question. It's acknowledged that emotions aren't a gay or straight thing but then he continues to up the ante on how sharing emotions with another man is homoerotic. What point are you even trying to make? It sounds like "I'm not calling you gay for having a friendship with your barber but you gay."

The idea that cishet black men don't acknowledge closeness to each other is ridiculous. The author states that he is not part of the culture so allow me to let you in on a few things. When someone calls you their mans, with the "s," they are your friend even if you don't see them often. When you're the bro you hang out with that person at least semi-regular and they might even know some personal details of your life. But, when you're their brother, they know it all. They know who you're dating, issues you're having in your life, what parts of your body you don't like and all that. See, for a lot of men, barbers are our brothers. It's not uncommon for some people to go to the same barber for large chunks of their life. One barber I go to, I've been seeing since I was 7, that's over 18 years, he's like a big brother to me. I was at his wedding. With cishet black men, we don't even tell each other who we're dating most of the time. If you ever listen to the Joe Budden Podcast, you'll frequently hear them get into discussions on their personal lives only to reach the conclusion "we really don't know shit about Mal." We do acknowledge levels of relationships with each other, you just missed code because you were too busy trying to make friendships homoerotic.

The whole article reads the same way as the guy who said men and women can't be platonic friends. It holds the same ideas and pushes the same narrative. If you open up to someone you're attracted to them in a romantic sense and that just isn't true. The author states "it's okay because homoerotic isn't something to run from," but it's not homoerotic. I could see if I sat on my barber's lap while he lined me up or he sat in mine. Maybe we held hands through the whole thing, or he made me blush. But it's not that, my barber is just like a big brother.

Chamillionaire is one of my favorite rappers and one lyric of his that always comes to mind in these discussions is "What do you critics really want from me?" I ask because no matter what cishet black men do, we've reached a level where we're problematic just for existing. If we're all thugged out and DMX our masculinity is toxic and fragile. If we open up and show emotion we're called soft. If we form close friendships like Michael B. Jordan and Ryan Coogler, we're either closeted, appropriating gay culture, or contributing to the demonization of queer black men. It doesn't just come from one group either. Literally every group has something negative to say about cishet black men. It doesn't matter if you're man or woman, trans or cis, straight or queer, hotep or revolutionary, feminist or fascist, we get shit on on by everyone.

When someone mentions carefree black men, I am not usually who they think of. Most of the time it's thin usually queer black boy with either a skirt, flowers in his hair, shirtless or crying. Don't fight me on this, that's just the way it is, ask Google. Despite that, I've written about how I just don't care and I'm never going to please anyone with the type of man I am, most people aren't. Because of that I've been called a, fag, bitch, captain save a hoe, coon and so on. Here I am, telling you again.

The root of the author's whole issue with barbershops is because he doesn't feel as if there is a place for queer black men in the shop. I understand, the barbershop is a big spot for black men, especially when you're finally allowed to go there alone or your mom doesn't drop you off and tell the old barber to watch you. You should feel welcome in any barbershop but yelling "y'all gay too," just isn't the answer but you opened up a discussion and that's great. Now, on a personal level, man to man, Darrell to Da'Shaun you need to pick a better barbershop. There is an openly gay black barber at the shop I visit. I wasn't there for it, but rumor has it someone got real loose with the word "faggot," and he got real loose with their face so that homophobia just doesn't fly there. You're a grown man, stop going to your step-daddy to get your haircut. The fact that he's a garbage individual is the reason his barbershop is garbage. Venture out into the world, try some different shops and find the barber that works for you.

I'm going to keep making jokes about sucking dick, and if I get a few dick pics in the DMs, I just gotta laugh it off because that's not my thing. I like plays, they're cool. I visit the art museum at least three times a year, and sometimes I cry there. I'm going to keep hugging my homies, not that 3 second handshake back pat hug either, full on hugs. I'm going to keep listening to rap music. I'm going to keep reviewing content with LGBTQ+ characters. I'm just going to be me, I don't care enough. I've spoken on it, now it goes in my box of things I don't care about right next to the brunch debate. If that means my barbershop is toxic, then I like it that way.

You should buy Darrell's Book, watch him on the Blerds Online YouTube Channel or The CP Time and Powerbomb Jutsu podcasts. 

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