The early 2000s were a weird time. 2000 in itself was a odd year in terms of pop culture due to people being excited we were living in the start of a new millennium. Seriously, do you realize how many companies whored out new but obviously shitty products just because they could slap “Millennium” or “2000” on it?
It wasn’t ALL bad that year…
But by 2001, Little did we know we were months away from america and how it viewed the rest of the world changing drastically. I should know. The day before 9/11, I turned 10 years old. But despite all the fuckery of that year, I at the very minimum had this movie to serve as a distraction. Now I will admit, Carmen is by no means a GOOD movie. If anything, The fact that I enjoy how deliciously campy it gets and the fact that my favorite podcast *cough* 3 Black Geeks *Cough* will likely never review this, I figure I might as well get my feelings out about this movie.
In terms of accuracy towards the source material, I guess it kinda sticks to the essential plot of the whole musical. But keep in mind, The strongest reference I have for Carmen is an episode of “Hey Arnold!”
First thing to note about this movie is that It takes place mostly in Baltimore. Which when you consider the whole issue of Mos Defs’ character being a corrupt cop, you can’t help but feel as though that was an unintentionally true to life story element. Freddy Gray anybody?
Also, If anyone is wondering how Baltimore has women as attractive as Beyonce, let me remind you that Maryland has women who look like this:
But to be fair, Beyonce is a Creole woman from Houston, so what the fuck do I know? Anyway the movie starts with possibly the most early 2000s hip hop trend of them all: Hip hop beats with live violin. Seriously, Miri Ben-Ari is an accomplished musician and most people will likely grow old only knowing her for doing the strings for a Kanye song where he teaches women how to get in shape to trap a rich guy. I mean, it's not he wouldn’t later make a song where he basically mocked such women. Also, Da Brat is rapping in this, don’t worry im sure she’s still getting checks off her first album.
Mekhi Phifer plays Hill, a good cop who...I’m sorry, it must be said, he simps so FUCKING hard in this movie. And there's one scene where you just wanna smack the shit out of him. Anyway, the chase down a stolen car where one of the passengers is...Bow Wow. Yeah, I know he wants to be called by his government name, but fuck him. I'm young enough that I remember when that dude came to the Breslin Center in East Lansing for a concert. After he gets arrested and Hill sees Miller, A Villain once again played by Mos Def, plant drugs on him and take him away after threatening him.
We then cut to the bar run by Fred Williamson. Id like to take this time out to acknowledge that of all the living Blacksploitation actors out here, hes of the ones that DIDN’T meet with Trump. Just putting that out there. Also, I'm pretty sure they only reason they got Fred is because he still TRIES to work, Issac Hayes was making Season 5 South Park money and Richard Roundtree still thought there was gonna be a sequel to Shaft 2000. Anyway, we find that Hill and Freds’ Daughter, Kaela, Played By former child actor and now Podcaster Reagan Gomez. And of course, Miller is trying to dirty mack on her. Eugh.
And right here is where the star of the movie walks in, Beyonce. I know no other way to say this, so ill just say it: Beyonce then and especially now has that awakening beauty. And by awakening, I mean I’m pretty sure she's responsible for a generation of white guys who realized they’re into black girls. Also, I’m pretty sure if they made this today, Beyonce’s role would have gone to Zendaya. I would have wanted Lupita Nyong’o, but hey...Also, Beyonce in terms of rapping has come a LONG way, bruh.
After this scene, we see Kaela And Hill discussing the fact that she wants him to go on desk duty. Probably should considering that Omar Little won’t be dead for another 3 years. Meanwhile, Carmen gets into a barfight and gets arrested. Then the girl she beat punches her cop boyfriend in front of everybody hard as a motherfucker. Meanwhile, Outside Hill takes Carmen to the cop car and she seriously tries to convince him to let her go and going party with her. Look, You ain’t Barbie Cummings, Carmen. But apparently at the very minimum Hill is an idiot because she convinces him to take her to her house to drop of a ring. Hey Hill, you could have just held it for her till she got out. Yet you went to her FUCKING HOUSE and SURPRISE, she decided to seduce you. I know this essentially happens in the source material, but in the context of this world, I get angry with such stupidity.
And of course, Hill gets arrested the next day. And Kaela shows up to slap the shit out of him. Umm...is Bow Wow supposed to be an adult in this?, cause he's in jail with with Hill. While in jail, Hill seriously is carrying a torch for a woman who got him put in jail and lost his job. Really, This is what I mean when I say that raising your sons to be “Nice young gentlemen” has its downfalls as you really only set them up to fall for women like this. Meanwhile, Carmen and her friends are playing with Tarot Cards. Id blame Ms. Cleo for this, but its wrong to speak ill of the dead apparently. Her friends try to get carmen to go out, but even shes sprung over him. The only thing more laughable than that is ending this scene with Bow Wow fighting a grown man.
Back in Baltimore, we see Carmen and her friends at the after party for Blaze, a rapper that's an easy stand in for just about every early 2000s rapper. Seriously, they coulda got Peter Gunz and they would have gotten the same effect. Also, Miller shows up to basically Neg the shit out of Carmen. Then Blaze shows up. Seriously, this guy just SCREAMS early 2000s style. Then he sees Carmen and you can almost audibly hear his erection. And I’m not wrong as he tries to get her and her friends to go on tour with him. Dog, you just MET her. What is it about this woman? Apparently enough that when hill gets out, the FIRST place he goes is to Carmen’s house. Now, I wish I could say I was above falling for a beautiful woman that would ruin my life, but I JUST got broken up with by my ex that the first time we were dating, it ended with her trying to ruin my life and threats of physical assault and things I won't get into here.
The Smile Gives it away
Over breakfast, Carmen discusses them moving to california. And as you would guess, hes on probation. And because she can’t grasp a simple concept like “If we leave, I will go back to prison” and she storms off. Hill goes off to the old bar, has an awkward encounter with his ex and soon an argument between him and Miller starts. In Millers’ defense, even if he’s not right about sleeping with Carmen, that article he quoted was damn accurate. Hill gave up his dreams and career for a woman who already doesn’t care about him possibly going back to prison over her AGAIN. But of course none of that matters to hill, and he punches Miller, making him a wanted man again. And NOW they have to run. I’m convinced he only did this to have an excuse really.
I just wanna point out that they apparently drove all the way from Maryland to California. I know this doesn’t sound like THAT big of a feat, but c’mon, you’re a wanted man. NOBODY saw them? Then they shack up in a roach motel and surprise, Hill finds out it's almost impossible to find work when you can’t give anyone identification. Even more so when you’re FUCKING WANTED FOR PUNCHING A COP OVER A CHICK WHO GOT YOU ARRESTED BEFORE And Carmen finds out that casting agents are racist as shit. And of course they start fighting over the fact shit got very real very quickly.
But of course none of that matters seeing as she runs into her friends and they decide to go get a Tarot card reading and of course, she gets spooked to shit. Look, I hate to sound nihilistic, but everyone dies. But let Wyclef “I Jill Steined millions of dollars from Haiti” Jean tell you times running out, and she’s how you say, Paranoid. (Wrong movie, damnit) Meanwhile, Back in Baltimore, the movie truly decides to remind you that this is a work of fiction as there's a full blown inquiry into dirty cops. In the BALTIMORE POLICE DEPARTMENT. I don’t even need to reference TV shows, there's tons of articles that will back up the claim that Baltimore PD is corrupt on a LAPD Rampart division tier. THE WHOLE FORCE. And as we see, Miller is kinda spooked seeing as Hill could potentially get him put away with that time he saw him plant drugs on a kid. So, He resorts to trying to get hills’ ex to find out where he is under the guise of potentially getting him back on the force.
And rather than getting her ex rightfully killed for throwing away their relationship over a chick he JUST MET, she decides to warn him to lay low.
But of course, In Hills world, he has bigger problems. Despite the fact that this dude is probably gonna be on Love & Hip Hop in a few years, Carmen decides to shack up with Blaze and break up with Hill. Now I would feel sorry for Hill, But remember all this started because not only is he a simp, He’s a DUMBASS simp. I mean, At least when Lenny Williams was strung out over a woman, reality set in on him before he TRULY went crazy. This man begs, BEGS, her to stay. And says the one line of the whole movie that makes me wanna whup his ass:
Yes, you gave up your life, your career, your fiance, your friends, your freedom. All over her. I want to make this clear: I’d be saying this even if Carmen wasn’t played by Beyonce. Its just...this is probably one of the few times Beyonce has done a project where on some level she pissed me off. I’m not mad at Beyonce, I’m mad that in a modern translation of this musical, the character she's playing is very unsympathetic and in many ways selfish. But she leaves and Hill is left to be warned one last time by his ex partner Porter to GET THE FUCK OUT OF L.A. BECAUSE MILLER IS ON HIS WAY TO KILL HIM. but NOOOOOO, this moist made motherfucker has to scream about how he can’t live without her.
Seriously, the last part of this movie makes me wanna drink as all logic and sanity goes out the fucking window in this bitch. First, Carmen manages to not get electrocuted by a falling radio after getting a call from her new boo. Then, after Hill was WARNED to just leave town, Porter decides to go the old yeller route and tell Miller to just go to the show. THEN, Miller who was only there to kill Hill, shoots Carmen. And she dies in Hills arms. THEN, this brave bitch made nigga goes up above the stage and starts fighting Miller, only to throw him to his death. And as he’s on his knees about to go to jail for killing a cop, he thinks back and probably realizes that the only reason he was into Carmen was because she was the hot chick in the room that every guy wanted but couldn’t have, except him.
I like this movie because It was a simple snapshot of pop culture prior to the world going nuts. Im sure if I look hard enough, I’ll find something that reminds me of life prior to Trump. But never the less, it's a dumb fun Musical that is actually interesting as basically you could easily skip all the songs and still have a cheesy TV movie, which ain't bad if you're high or something. I should say this one last thing: Hey Mona Scott Young, Don’t remake this. This ain’t even a matter of the women on the shows, its a matter of the fact that no matter who you cast from any of the LAHH shows, it’ll just be weird. Except Cardi B. I want to floss her buttcheeks with my penis.
This submission comes courtesy of @awkblerd who you can keep up with on Twitter or hear him on The Lansing Anti-Hero Podcast.
